ten thousand words

I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. not that I would get much to begin with- 5 AM is getting more rough as I type…

I think I have so much going on in my head right now that I’ll blog another day and just enjoy being blissfully happy as I lay in bed for 3 more hours.

the rain never ceases to amaze me with the surprises and blessings it brings. to some it may seem dreary, but i think it’s kinda like a beautiful woman in disguise. you have to appreciate it for it’s dreariness and what it offers. it’s just one more thing that God displays to show us His creativity. and creativity is one of the most attractive features to me.

now I just need some rain boots. tomorrow perhaps. and perhaps tomorrow I’ll bring a story to tumblr. it’s a good one.

i couldn’t be happier. really, i couldn’t. its funny when i look back over the last year and a half of my life and all i can do is smile because everything is exactly as it should be. everything is exactly how i hoped it would be, honestly. God always knew what He what He was doing all along. it’s all a lesson for me that i won’t forget. i will always remember this season… in times of hardship and distress, times of insecurity and fear, times of anger and resentment… i will always remember that i didn’t think the other side would be anything like i had hoped, yet God has blessed me with exactly as i had hoped for. i will always remember what it felt like when i yelled, “ill never get through this.” “ill never be okay.” “this will never get better.” these phrases that i’ve uttered too many times will surely come out of my mouth again, but i wont forgot this lesson, this season. this season has been hard & i’m finally on the other side. this season was God’s way of saying “hard times will come, but I’ll always bring you out the other side, fully blessed even.” and this season i’ve been through is encouragement to anyone reading- it all turns out okay. i know it doesn’t seem that way. you could be going through something seemingly miniscule or evidently huge, but either way, its your heart. and it matters. but God has plans. He hasn’t forsaken you or let the desires of your heart go astray. timing really is everything.

and with that said, i hope time speeds up [just a little]. i love this season i’m finally in. i’m ready for christmas, and the new year, and my birthday…. and a question. sneaky stuff, i know. you’ll just have to wait & see. im speaking to you[whoever is reading] and a bit to myself. ha. because i really will just have to wait & see too. but if there is anything i’ve learned about waiting, it’s that i CAN do it. that statement made at the beginning about me not being able to be happier- well being happy makes waiting for things a whole lot easier. now i’m ranting. 

“Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him…” (Psalm 37:5-7a, NIV).

“Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen” (Ephesians 3:20-21, NASB).

i have found that being able to focus in on something, even if the rest of the picture is out of focus, is more important sometimes. because the bigger picture isn’t truly out of focus, its just being sacrificed for the moment so that something smaller, but of greater essence, can become a little more clear. details need to be noticed. its a couple eyelashes that say more than the face, or a tree in a forest that tells a greater story than the forest itself, or a love that seems simple but is more complex than a million neurons working together to make something function perfectly. it cant always be seen by the naked eye. when i think about running around the world looking for perfection, it makes me take a second glance at my life. ‘perfection’ is right under my nose. and what is it anyway? i think its different for everyone. but for me, right now, perfection means knowing that i want to sacrifice the bigger picture for the smaller more beautiful details. ive always been a details girl anyway.

sometimes what seems like limiting yourself to something small, turns out to be the biggest thing of your life. dont be afraid to make sacrifices. dont be afraid to let what seem like little things come into focus.

“sometimes just to paint a head you have to give up the whole figure. To paint a leaf, you have to sacrifice the whole landscape. It might seem like you’re limiting yourself at first, but after a while you realize that having a quarter-of-an-inch of something you have a better chance of holding on to a certain feeling of the universe than if you pretended to be doing the whole sky. 

My mother did not choose a leaf or a head. She chose my father. And to hold on to a certain feeling, she sacrificed the world.”

its another night where im laying in bed, thinking about what’s to come, anticipating how it will all turn out. i know one thing- God is faithful. when i think about the past year of my life, im thankful for where im at today. but im even more thankful that its taken this long and ive worked through and overcome specific challenges that make me more confident in who i am and where im headed than ever before. ill never forget the night i stood in my best friend’s bedroom, just weeks before she got married, and we cried about love. we cried about what weve gone through. we cried about failed opportunities. we cried over the hardship of a relationship worth the fight. im glad she fought for what she wanted. im glad i got to see her walk down the aisle, and she’ll get to see me do the same one day. when i think about that day, i cant help but be reminded of the blessing of time & of growth that time brings. im glad im fighting for what i want. i thank God for giving me the ability to love so passionately that i wasnt willing to give up. its one of the reasons im confident in where my life is headed. and its all by His grace. truthfully, i couldnt lay here feeling so blessed without bringing Him glory for it. 

ill be the first to admit that i havent kept God at the forefront often times. of course we all fail at this, but my attempt has been less than motivated. why? He has blessed me so. i think the Lord is trying to prove to me that He is forever faithful and forever seeking. how perfect! 

Psalm 119

im so thankful that His grace outweighs my disobedience and lack of trust for my future. He is blessing me so abundantly! 

will you let Him bless you?